They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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