OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
