The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
