Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Girls should come with a carfax report
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
