tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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