I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
