On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
