a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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