Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize