remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
