you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!