and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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