Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
