i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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