come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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