I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
