i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
