We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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