I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
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I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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