I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
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If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
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You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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