she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
