That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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