I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
