The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My life is pants optional.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
