Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
