We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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