My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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