I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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