I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
my shit smells like andre
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
