i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
