Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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