I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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