it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
