theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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