I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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