I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
