so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish you could order shots online.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
