nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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