If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
