If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
