You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
pray to the hookup gods
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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