Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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