Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
