now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We have started to decorate penises.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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