Swine flu. Run for my life!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
