I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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