i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
