My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
ok first of all what the fuck
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
