I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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