the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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