if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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