i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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