I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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