Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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