im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
