She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This house was built for laser tag.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
