I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
