just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i think i just lost a toe
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
