I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
